Holey crap

WORDS FAIL ME.

i don't care if they're comfortable, i don't care if they're ecologically sound, and geddem expensive. it still doesn't change the fact that theyre f***kin FUGLY. in fact, they're so ugly a website has been devoted to thier ugliness. http://www.ihatecrocs.com/ No other shoe company has managed to come up with a steady line of monstrous, migraine inducing, social life killing, taste numbing poor excuse of a shoe. blech.

The gifted child

"It's just that the client prefers that a mother writes the pres release for the product..." explained the ad agency. Sana pala nagpa buntis na ako nang maaga! the thought crosses my mind and like many ideas that run carelessly run through my head; it quickly becomes road kill.

It's not that i don't want to be a parent. It's not that i am worried about providing for them. (i would gladly sell fish in the palengke to support my kids financially if it comes down to that. though i hope not) it's not THOSE responsibilities i'm worried about.

Look at the commercials on tv for baby's milk, diapers and what have you. These are ads based on observations and discussions of what many parents deem important "i want my baby to be healthy! i want my baby to be smart! i want my baby to be a genius!" no wonder every product out there is pitching genius in a bottle. Did you know genetic research shows that a kid's mental capacity is dependent on the mom's? Guess i better stock up on Promil huh? Now if only making sure your kids don't grow up to be the spawn of satan is as easy. i mean, Hitler and Marcos were geniuses weren't they? I f there was a product on the market with a tag line of " make sure your child doesn't end up in death row!" I'd buy it in a flash and get a dozen more for my nieces, nephews and god children for good measure.

Maybe one of these days, someone will say, in one of the market research studies, "it's ok if my kid does not become a concert pianist or a famous painter or the next manny pacquaio...what i want the most for my kid is to become a good person." then i will know that, that one lucky kid is truly, the world's most gifted child.

Gwamma

Gwamma used to always scold me "aya! bo tong yong. ikaw dapat aral linis luto, tahi,alaga bata. pano asawa ganyan? aya..." she would exclaim in her broken tagalog shaking her head as if she couldn't believe she has such a nincompoop of a granddaughter and probably wondering if even half of what she's saying is getting through. I in turn, would try to explain, in my equally, perhaps worse, broken Fukien, how, in the 21st century, a woman's worth is measured not only according to her domestic talents.

Domestic- one word to describe my grandmother. If she had gone to collage she'd have a masteral in home economics and a doctorate in child nutrition. I swear she was made by God to fatten up kids. All the little and not so little piggies in the Chiu family can safely attribute their figures to her doing. And if you ever had a chance to go to the market with her, you'd know why
It’s easy to spot her in the palengke every Tuesday. just look for the 80 year old lady with curly white hair, soft plump figure clad in slacks and the printed polo for the day with her trusty Mertobank Christmas giveaway bag. I you happen to be blind, don’t worry, the unmistakable scent of eu d' white flower will lead you right to her.

Going to market with gwamma is not a task for the faint hearted. I fact, t was one of the seven labors of Hercules but he pleaded with the gods to allow him to bring them Medusa's head instead. he weaves her way through the crowd with the agility of a seventeen year old athlete to get to her favorite fish vendor and convinces him to give her the "freshest" of the fresh every time. She gropes for her secret pocket (hidden where the sun don't shine) and hands the vendor his dough as she charges off to her next conquest leaving me and my bayong of five kilos of the “freshest“ Lapulapu try to catch up with her. Just replace the word "lapu-Lapu" with some fruit or meat and you have the day's standard operating procedure. Any attempt to remind her that she is no longer feeding a family of eleven is cast into the wind like the late Chairman Mao's ashes.
When the loot becomes too heavy to bear, we go into plan B. She buys me Zesto and tells me to rest and diligently watch over the hoard while she goes and checks if we missed anything. Protocol dictates she come back after 10 minutes carrying 4 more kilos of the “freshest of the fresh”. The part where we decide to go home and she sheds her frail grandmotherly image and turns into the incredible hulk is my favorite part of the day. She lifts HALF-of whatever we've brought while I, half drag-half push the half of the palengke onto the jeep heading for home. What strength! What stamina!

Her energy shopping is second only to her adrenaline level when she cooks. You should see her in action. On second thought, you’d better not.I know what the end of the world will look like. It happens in my gwamma's kitchen everyday.Yep, better just relax, and wonder how a simple cabbage soup can become clouds melting in your tongue on a hot summer day. Go ahead, pay her a compliment. Tell her how good her steamed dumplings and dried fish are and I guarantee she will prepare it for you every single day of your entire life until your taste buds fail to recognize any other taste. The trick is to ask another member of the family to tell her her fried rice and soy chicken is THEIR favorite so you'll have that on the menu for many happy days to come.

"dapat lakas apoy. ikaw halo halo hangang tuyo, lagay ekhlok...lakas apoy" she'd try to teach me while my eyes wandered to the fire extinguisher under the stairs.

she tried to teach me how to sew too, when her eyes were clearer. tuloy tuloy apak, ikot makhina..." and I watched mesmerized, as her mangroved legs ran the machine.

and how to give her a bath when she was too old "ikaw kuskos pa buhok mabuti..." and I scrubbed as hard as I can while trying not to end up with a bald grandma.

and when she couldn't dissuade me from running away from home..."ikaw dala eto payong, tawag sakin san ka layas"

on getting married "ikaw hanap bait. bait sipag asawa. ikaw dapat bait mama,papa nya..."

on raising children "wag ka palo..."

on my parents "ikaw respeto iyo mama, papa..."

on my siblings "kayo wag na away..."

She is enjoying her retirement now, fattening up my little cousins in L.A.
someday when she comes back, I will tell her in my broken Chinesegwamma, I may not have learned how to clean the house or sew or cook as well as youbut I have learned to do everything with love. I learned from watching you.I hope she understands me this time